Feldenkrais Volunteers Needed for the TAB

ANNOUNCEMENT: Please Distribute Immediately.

The training and accreditation boards (TAB’s) of the “Wiggle Your Butt, Make A Buck” Guild-Certified Feldenkrais Trainer Monopoly are looking for volunteers. TAB volunteers play a very important part of maintaining trainer control of curriculum, teaching and the monetary rewards of running certified trainings. As a member of the TAB your service is crucial in helping to maintain this monopoly.

In particular you will:

1) Help limit the number of certified trainers. This helps keep the work from being “diluted” (by criteria we have not yet specified, but we can assure you that the criteria do exist.)

2) Keep the costs of trainings high: By virtue of #1 above which limits competition, new ideas, and the creation of competing trainers and training programs.

3) Use the Amherst training as the “end all be all” of Feldenkrais training. You will do this by having an extreme eye for detail and making sure that newly approved trainings have the exact number of hours, days and seconds that Moshe taught in Amherst.

*A TAB sub committee is currently counting the number of times that Moshe said “oi vay” during Amherst and will likely require future Guild Certified trainings to use “oi vay” the same number of times. We welcome your suggestions of how we can further imitate Moshe to preserve and protect his legacy and make sure that trainings will neither be diluted nor evolve in any meaningful way.

TAB Application Process

How to become a member of the feldenkrais training and accreditation board.

1) You must affirm that you believe in one holy and apostolic guild. In particular, attest publicly that:

“The TAB through edict of The Feldenkrais Guild of North America is the only flock of which Moshe Feldenkrais, the Son of Sheindel, is the only Shepherd.” (Feldenkrais Guild Book of Prayers, Pg. 666: “One Guild, One Method, One Guru”).

2) Submit a 10,000 word essay on why Anat Baniel (that bitch) is dangerous to everything that Moshe stood for and write a plan on how her success and independence can be avoided in future generations of Guild practitioners.

*Preferential treatment given to those who can show evidence that Anat was spawned by demons from the lowest depths of hell.

3) Create and submit a video on YouTube demonstrating your knowledge of the “Prayer for the Feldenkrais Guilds” (Sample YouTube video forthcoming), as well as your affirmation that you will say this prayer at 8:01 am, 10:02 am, 12:03 pm, 2:04 pm, 4:05 pm, 6:06 pm, 8:07 pm, 9:08 pm and 11:09 pm, seven days per week. You further acknowledge that failure to provide evidence of your prayer service and total devotion to the TAB may result in termination of your TAB privileges.

4) You must have never commented on Ryan Nagy’s blog nor said anything positive about him. And as absence of evidence is not evidence of absence you must write and 16,432 word essay on why technological savvy and the open sharing of information is inherently dangerous to Moshe’s legacy and the development of the work. Please explain what you will do to stop blasphemers like Ryan from doing their evil deeds.

5) Three letters of recommendations from people who knew Moshe personally, were blessed by him, can tell really cool stories about him – preferably involving Amherst, San Francisco, or Esalen, and who have been members of the FGNA or another guild for at least 250 years.